Transitions

Alison Rogers, LMHC

Turning off the TV to get ready for bed, leaving the house to go to Grandma’s for a holiday dinner, wrapping up a video game, getting up from the couch to take a shower, putting the Legos down to put shoes on and go to the park, leaving school to go home, moving into a new house, going to college. 

All of these are transitions or series of transitions. Some of them, such as moving or going to college, pose obvious challenges. Others feel small or could be so much fun that they might not seem like transitions at all. Still, all of them involve moving from one state or situation to another. They all come with a host of thoughts, feelings, and challenges that are important to be mindful of as they arise.

Seemingly small transitions, even ones that might occur daily—such as getting ready to get in the shower, turning off the TV, or leaving school at the end of the day—can still be challenging. Why is that? If we do certain tasks consistently, know what to expect, and have practice through daily repetition, why do these types of transitions still sometimes create challenges? 

Consider one of Isaac Newton’s laws of motion: an object at rest will stay at rest until acted on by another force. Transitions are like that force of action, requiring us to stop what we are currently doing in order to move to another activity. Sometimes this means accepting disappointment that the thing we are leaving behind is finished for now. Sometimes, we fight the inertia of comfort, giving up the ease of continuing to do something we were already doing. 

Transitions require action, movement, or developing a plan and following through. No matter how small, this can be overwhelming. Tools for task initiation, prioritizing, and breaking tasks into steps can help create confidence in determining next steps. It can be tempting to minimize the situation and distress arising (“this isn’t a big deal,” “we can do this again tomorrow,” or “you’ve done this a million times”), but if we instead notice what is causing distress about the transition, we can become curious about what would aid in fighting inertia or increasing comfort. 

Large transitions—like relocating to a new home or a new school—may have more emotion attached. It is so important to keep in mind that no matter how wonderful the transition may be, it may also be accompanied by grief and fear. “I know what to expect from my present circumstance, and feel safe in it…but what will come next?”  

Allowing ourselves to feel all of our emotions allows us to approach them with curiosity, creating openings to challenge the resistance we may not recognize we are fighting in the transition. We may also not be able to see the joys available to us in a transition if we are too caught up in our grief or fear. 

Overexcitabilities can create additional layers of resistance to initiating change. Imaginational and emotional overexcitabilities can create difficulties in letting go in moments of change. The rock that got picked up at the park last summer may not just be a rock but a placeholder for a perfect day. It may have its own magical story, along with thoughts and feelings of its own. How could I consider getting rid of something so powerful and important? 

Recognition of how this may create resistance is key to becoming curious about how to ease letting things go. Creating rituals around saying good-bye may be helpful (consider Marie Kondo’s suggestion of thanking items for their service before getting rid of them). Fear of forgetting may also play a part in resistance to releasing an object or experience. Finding other ways to carry that memory—photographing it, journaling about it, attaching it to a song—may help reduce the fear of forgetting what the object or experience represents.

A final key in transitions—best said by one of my favorite musicians, Brandon Flowers—is recognizing that “there’s a power in letting go.” 

Transition is necessary for forward motion. The alternative is stagnation. If we cling too tightly to things that are no longer serving us or bringing us joy, for fear of what comes next, we may miss out on the next truly great moment in our lives. Letting go empowers us to live and grow!